Stopping the baby crying

Babies cry. It’s their thing. We shouldn’t really begrudge them, after all it’s the one skill they have which they can do better than us. You might find yourself wondering why they had to evolve to produce such a grating sound, when they could have made a noise like, say, a dove cooing or perhaps a cat purring instead. The answer of course is in the question: they have to make a seriously irritating noise, otherwise you might not get out of your warm bed in the middle of the night to do something about it.

Core objective: Stop the baby crying
Key focus: Make it happy again

Babies cry because something is wrong. All you have to do is find out what’s wrong, and put it right. Then the baby will stop crying. OK, it’s not always that simple but, surprisingly often, it is.

Myth: You should never leave your baby to cry or you’re traumatising it.
As a general rule, there’s no point in leaving your baby to cry. It’s not likely to stop until you resolve its problem – it’s hardly going to pull itself together and sort out its own problems at this stage – so if you ever want the noise to stop you’ll have to do something and it might as well be now. On the whole, it’s much better for the baby to get a prompt response so it knows you care. But there are times when you don’t get to the baby as quickly as usual. Maybe you’ve just answered a vital phone call (which woke the baby) or perhaps you’ve spilt a bottle of red wine all over your white carpet. Don’t panic: the baby will not suffer lifelong psychological damage if you leave it hungry or tired for a few minutes once in a while, and you’re not a bad parent for doing it.

The process

When the baby cries, the only way to stop it is by finding out why it’s crying and then responding to the need. When you have a small bundle of yelling baby in front of you, and no previous experience, finding out why it’s crying can seem like trying to find a small piece of white paper somewhere in the Antarctic. But actually, it’s simpler than you might think because there are only really three reasons why a small baby cries. Yep, it’s that easy. Just run through the three reasons and you’ll find the answer. So what are they?

Hunger

All babies cry when they’re hungry and, speaking personally, I can really get behind that. Being hungry is a miserable state, and there’s nothing wrong with any baby who has the sense to make the fuss it deserves. Too many of us have grown up to be polite and well mannered, but don’t you just hate being kept waiting for food? I think we could all take a lead from our babies and start yelling about it.

Anyway. If the baby is hungry, feed it. If you think it might be hungry, try feeding it. If this was the reason for the crying, your problem is solved.

Discomfort

There are certain things which may make a baby uncomfortable and which you can check for to see if they are the cause of the crying. In particular, check for:

• Wind
• Nappy rash
• Temperature. Although babies will put up with a reasonable range of temperatures, they will complain if they are significantly too hot or too cold. So check this isn’t the case.

If you think there is a chance the baby may be ill, or if its cry is recognisably different and more pained than usual, seek medical advice.

Tiredness

Why babies can’t just go to sleep when they’re tired instead of making a big deal out of it isn’t always entirely clear (but see page 00). However, moany crying is often a sign of tiredness and if it’s getting near nap time there’s a good chance the baby needs to sleep. Other clues, like yawning, can help indicate tiredness as the cause (that’s the baby yawning, not you. You yawning is entirely normal and can happen at any time when you have a small baby).

The baby may have got it into its head that it won’t go to sleep unless it’s in one of its sleeping places. This may be its crib, the car seat, your arms or wherever it has grown used to sleeping in the short time since it was born. So put it in one of its sleeping spots and give it a chance to go to sleep.

Or…

Actually, if I’m honest, there’s a fourth reason: bloody-mindedness. I’m sure child experts will tell you this is never the reason, and they’re probably right, but there are times when this is the only reason you can find. It’s unusual for a baby who is not tired, hungry or in pain to cry, but it does happen. Here are a few ideas for placating it:

• Cuddle it and soothe it.
• Give it a comforter (that’s the proper word for a dummy) if you hold with them. Incidentally, if you’re not sure about getting into the dummy habit, it’s easy to wean a baby off them so long as you do it before they’re about six months old. So you can use them for just the first few months. It’s also easier to wean a baby off than thumb sucking.
• Rock it gently.
• Sing to it or play music.
• Put it in the car and drive it around.
• Take it outside – just standing on the front door step will calm a lot of babies (although this is not recommended during blizzards, monsoons, electric storms or inside the Arctic circle).

As the baby gets older, it will think up new reasons to cry. After the first few weeks, for example, it may cry because it’s bored or simply wants some company. A little later on frustration can cause it to cry – being unable to reach something for instance. However, by this time your experience will have caught up with the baby’s and identifying the problem will seem less daunting. Sheer bloody mindedness will occasionally still be the cause, but you’ll become more adept than you can imagine at detecting slight differences in the cry which indicate the problem. Half way into the first yell you’ll be saying with confidence, “Ah, he’s dropped his rattle. Mmm, yes… to judge by the cry I’d say it’s gone over the left side of the crib.”

Just a word of warning. Don’t attempt to practice this new found skill on anyone else’s baby. The way other people’s babies cry will continue to be as much of a mystery as it ever was.

Crisis management

Sometimes a baby just yells and yells. Maybe it’s got stubborn wind, or perhaps it’s colicky. Maybe it’s just constantly hungry. Whatever the reason, it is possible to get to the point when you start to lose control and you’re frightened you’ll actually hurt the baby just to make it shut up. Some babies hardly ever do this, but some poor parents have babies that seem to cry constantly. What do you do?

• The first thing is to recognise that you’re not alone. Almost all parents have at least occasional moments when they feel like this. It doesn’t make you a bad parent, it makes you a normal one.
• The next thing to do is get away from the noise. Put the baby down on its back somewhere safe such as in its cot. Now leave it. Go into another room and scream, sob or whatever you need to do.
• Try to get a break. If you have a relative, friend or neighbour who will mind the baby for you while you go out – or simply go back to bed – this is the time to call in favours.
• Talk to your health visitor – this is part of their job.
• Call a helpline if you need to, especially if you’re on your own and have no one to give you a break. The NSPCC have a helpline you can call, or you can ring the Samaritans. It’s what they’re there for.

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All words and images take from Babies for Beginners by Roni Jay. New parents are often very intimidated by all the advice they are given about coping with a new baby. It makes it seem like a highly skilled occupation requiring years of training, rather than an instinctive ability that almost all of us have. Babies for Beginners strips away all the unnecessary advice and gives parents simple step-by-step guides to all they need to know. Coupled with humour, this book is both deeply practical and reassuring with it, and aimed at new dads as well as mums.

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