The way forward through grief - part 3

The need to remember
Your lost baby will always be a part of your life and you may find yourself talking to him or her. This is a way of "internalizing" the loss and keeping your baby with you. Continuing bonds are no longer considered to be a sign of mental illness but a normal part of the grieving process.

There is a deep instinctive need to treasure your baby and bonding with him or her seems to help the healing process. Cherish the reminders – the scan pictures or photographs, time spent holding the baby, momentos, cards and letters. Find a special place where you can go to think about your baby. It might be your favourite walk in the woods, a seat in the garden or a quiet corner at home. It might be useful to write a letter or a poem to your baby expressing your love and all your lost hopes and dreams for the future. Some parents plant a garden or rose tree as a way of remembering the positive effect their baby had on them. The sadness may always be with you but it will reduce in intensity. Eventually you can find a way to accept this loss, learn to live with it and find happiness in your life again.

Remembering your baby after termination for abnormality
People around you may tell you that you should be grateful for the opportunity to make informed choices and you should "get over it" and move on. For some women, the decision to terminate the pregnancy was very clear cut. There are no regrets and normal life is resumed fairly quickly. However, for many people, there is a persistent doubt about whether they have done the right thing and they go over and over events looking for clarity. Grieving is complicated. The lost baby is still very precious and parents may feel the same intense grief as they would if a full term baby or an older child had died. The need to treasure and remember the baby is very real but it is often buried beneath a confusing mixture of other emotions.

Coping with anniversaries
Many maternity hospitals have a book of remembrance and an annual commemoration service for bereaved families. Expect anniversaries and reminders to hurt and try to prepare for this by planning extra support or some quiet time for yourself around these difficult dates. Although painful at first, these memories can become a great source of joy and strength later on.