Remembering Our Angels

Karen
I lost my son at 16 and a half weeks. I am blessed enough to have two girls, whom I adore and I am so thankful for. But since I was 12, I knew I would have two girls and then a son. It’s been so hard missing him. It’s been hard knowing I didn’t get his remains either.

In New Jersey, unless the child is 24 weeks, they just discard the baby. I can’t say what condition he was in but he was still my son. I was so out of it during the entire process that I didn’t even think enough to ask. This has been something I am still trying to come to grips with.

The doctor recommended a D & C to help the baby out instead of waiting for it to happen. I was more hurt with that thought…it was as if I was having an abortion, which I wouldn’t ever do. I can’t tell you what going through this was doing to me. Even though I know he had passed away, I still felt like I was killing him.

I have Myspace Angel Mommies who understand. They know…we all share the pain. It’s been a huge help. It is a big enough help that just last week, I was able to tempt the subject with my mom, who usually thinks I should be over it already. With the support of my friends, it didn’t matter. I know I’m not crazy to feel as I do. I don’t feel ashamed to honor my son in my thoughts and prayers. I love him now as I did the first moment I knew he was with me, from the first moment I saw him on an ultrasound and from the first moment I felt that little tickle he sent me to let me know he was there.

Some people say, ‘how can you miss a child you never saw and never held?’ I did see him on that ultrasound. I saw him in my dreams. I did hold him in my womb, which I see as the most sacred part of me.

This spring, my daughters and I are making our own garden with the mother Mary as the center, as she looks down upon a stone that will hold our son’s name and passing date. As Jesus and the angels take care of him, my hopes are that our mother will mother my son until I see him again. I will surround her with red stones joining together in a heart for the love we have for her and our baby boy. What love joins together, no one will take from us.

This extract was taken from Remembering Our Angels - Personal Stories of Healing from a Pregnancy Loss by Hannah Stone, a three-time survivor of pregnancy loss